1 Year

"And the worst part is: Before it gets any better, we're headed for a cliff. And in the freefall I will realize that I'm better off when I hit the bottom."

It just occurred to me that you were held for ransom, and I didn't even know the price on your head. And my pleas were ignored, my cries unheard, my prayers falling on deaf ears. And I don't remember the last time that I saw you, or if I expressed just how passionately I loved you. I don't think that I ever did it often enough, because I always thought, "I'll see her next time" never assuming that that time would be the last.

The hearth is the center of the home, the familiarity of the past. What do you do when the hearth is put out? It was like an actual stab to my heart, and the physical impact of that knife resonated throughout my chest. And all I could hear was, "No! No! No! Oh my God!" the cries echoing violently from my own mouth. And all I remember was thinking with such clarity. I had concise thought, everything was moving in slow-motion, the tears streaming down my face like a deluge of sadness, uncontrollable, and unstoppable. And to be honest, I almost did something to end all of that pain, but then I remembered how the people I loved would feel, and how selfish that would be. One thing that I could never understand was God existing forever. How is that possible? I can't wrap my brain around it. Just like that concept, my mind seems unable to accept your death. You can't be dead, so where are you? Why are you hiding? Why can't I find you? I have been searching for so long, and you aren't here. Well where are you?

I don't even know how I'll react tomorrow. I don't know if I'll cry, or scream, or not even get out of bed. I know that once the clock strikes 12, I will relive that day, alone. And I'll want to scream bloody murder, and I'll probably just end up doing homework. I just want to be ok, and I don't want my family to be sad. But with you gone, we have all been fractured, our hearts missing a piece that is essential to life. And I feel robbed, and miserable, and heartbroken, and so, so, sad. But I don't know what to do besides sit there and take it like the masochist that I seem to be.

I loved you so much. And now my chest is hollow, the place where my heart once beat, an empty shell.

I loved you with all of my heart.
You were my best friend.
I loved you ardently.
You are gone forever.
I loved you desperately.
And as hard as I try.
I loved you brilliantly.
I can't find you.








I loved you.