Thursday, February 24, 2011
Realization
I expected that I would be shattered by all of this. Distraught. Broken. Teary-eyed. But I was wrong. The day that you left me was the absolute worst in the world. I have never been sadder in my life. With that said, how could I become any sadder on the anniversary of your death? I couldn't. I've carried around this sadness for so long, that it's unsurprising that I woke up and thought, "Another day. You are not here." I didn't cry, I couldn't. It was just a Thursday. Same as all the others.
My mom told me that you're probably watching us. I'm pretty sure it doesn't say that in the Bible, but you of all people would find a way.
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
1 Year
"And the worst part is: Before it gets any better, we're headed for a cliff. And in the freefall I will realize that I'm better off when I hit the bottom."
It just occurred to me that you were held for ransom, and I didn't even know the price on your head. And my pleas were ignored, my cries unheard, my prayers falling on deaf ears. And I don't remember the last time that I saw you, or if I expressed just how passionately I loved you. I don't think that I ever did it often enough, because I always thought, "I'll see her next time" never assuming that that time would be the last.
The hearth is the center of the home, the familiarity of the past. What do you do when the hearth is put out? It was like an actual stab to my heart, and the physical impact of that knife resonated throughout my chest. And all I could hear was, "No! No! No! Oh my God!" the cries echoing violently from my own mouth. And all I remember was thinking with such clarity. I had concise thought, everything was moving in slow-motion, the tears streaming down my face like a deluge of sadness, uncontrollable, and unstoppable. And to be honest, I almost did something to end all of that pain, but then I remembered how the people I loved would feel, and how selfish that would be. One thing that I could never understand was God existing forever. How is that possible? I can't wrap my brain around it. Just like that concept, my mind seems unable to accept your death. You can't be dead, so where are you? Why are you hiding? Why can't I find you? I have been searching for so long, and you aren't here. Well where are you?
I don't even know how I'll react tomorrow. I don't know if I'll cry, or scream, or not even get out of bed. I know that once the clock strikes 12, I will relive that day, alone. And I'll want to scream bloody murder, and I'll probably just end up doing homework. I just want to be ok, and I don't want my family to be sad. But with you gone, we have all been fractured, our hearts missing a piece that is essential to life. And I feel robbed, and miserable, and heartbroken, and so, so, sad. But I don't know what to do besides sit there and take it like the masochist that I seem to be.
I loved you so much. And now my chest is hollow, the place where my heart once beat, an empty shell.
I loved you with all of my heart.
You were my best friend.
I loved you ardently.
You are gone forever.
I loved you desperately.
And as hard as I try.
I loved you brilliantly.
I can't find you.
I loved you.
It just occurred to me that you were held for ransom, and I didn't even know the price on your head. And my pleas were ignored, my cries unheard, my prayers falling on deaf ears. And I don't remember the last time that I saw you, or if I expressed just how passionately I loved you. I don't think that I ever did it often enough, because I always thought, "I'll see her next time" never assuming that that time would be the last.
The hearth is the center of the home, the familiarity of the past. What do you do when the hearth is put out? It was like an actual stab to my heart, and the physical impact of that knife resonated throughout my chest. And all I could hear was, "No! No! No! Oh my God!" the cries echoing violently from my own mouth. And all I remember was thinking with such clarity. I had concise thought, everything was moving in slow-motion, the tears streaming down my face like a deluge of sadness, uncontrollable, and unstoppable. And to be honest, I almost did something to end all of that pain, but then I remembered how the people I loved would feel, and how selfish that would be. One thing that I could never understand was God existing forever. How is that possible? I can't wrap my brain around it. Just like that concept, my mind seems unable to accept your death. You can't be dead, so where are you? Why are you hiding? Why can't I find you? I have been searching for so long, and you aren't here. Well where are you?
I don't even know how I'll react tomorrow. I don't know if I'll cry, or scream, or not even get out of bed. I know that once the clock strikes 12, I will relive that day, alone. And I'll want to scream bloody murder, and I'll probably just end up doing homework. I just want to be ok, and I don't want my family to be sad. But with you gone, we have all been fractured, our hearts missing a piece that is essential to life. And I feel robbed, and miserable, and heartbroken, and so, so, sad. But I don't know what to do besides sit there and take it like the masochist that I seem to be.
I loved you so much. And now my chest is hollow, the place where my heart once beat, an empty shell.
I loved you with all of my heart.
You were my best friend.
I loved you ardently.
You are gone forever.
I loved you desperately.
And as hard as I try.
I loved you brilliantly.
I can't find you.
I loved you.
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Monday, February 21, 2011
Saturday, February 19, 2011
Thursday, February 17, 2011
24th
I think I will literally lose my mind on the 24th. I can feel the pressure building, and everything that I felt a year ago will come pouring out like a deluge. And there's nothing I can do to stop it. "I've never felt so alive, or so dead." Ha, I doubt that I'll be able to see a dang thing through the tears. Today was hard, but I feel like next week will be 1000 times worse . . .
Sunday, February 13, 2011
A Lot On My Plate. But No Worries.
I have a lot on my plate. I have to write papers, and deal with chemistry, and figure out math, and read books, and practice the piano and guitar, and do things for Bible Study, and remember choir rehearsal, and exercise, and study Chinese, and create a newsletter, and clean dishes, and wash clothes, and vacuum, and clean bathrooms, and go to bed early, and stay up late finishing homework. I am juggling 10 classes. I don't ask to go out. I am doing my best. I am human. Thanks for the motivation. You've given me the incentive to get excellent grades, so I can get as far away from here as possible. I make mistakes. Why do you keep forgetting that? Not to mention that you've chosen the worst possible time to make me feel even like a complete idiot. You're losing me and you don't even realize it. Congratulations. I'll be out of your hair in no time.
February Update
Well I don't have anything philosophical to post, so I'll just give you an update on my life:
I love my friends. I really do. I especially love the teens that go to my church. On Friday, we had our first youth night of 2011. We talked, ate loads of pizza, played games, and thought of ways to strengthen our youth ministry. It was a good time to fellowship and hang out :) Afterward, my cousin came over and spent the night, and then we went to choir rehearsal the next day. Oh! Please pray for several people - My friend/sister Imani (she has an audition for a performing arts college in CA. She is easily one of the best singers that I know, and I really want her to do well. She's also auditioning for drama), Kennedy (my lil sis has an audition for several summer dance programs, but I know that she'll do well ;), and Kayla (my best friend has an audition to get into Kennedy's school, BSA, or, Baltimore School for the Arts. She's a singer and an actress.) Please just pray for the calming of their minds, the peace of the Holy Ghost, and confidence, skill, precision in the abilities.
School has been pretty intense, but we didn't have school on Wednesday on account of the snow. That made me very happy :D It's supposed to snow on this Wednesday as well, so perhaps another school closing is in sight? Prayerfully. My school is putting on Romeo & Juliet and I'm very excited to see it. I have very talented friends when it comes to acting. My friend Tia invited me and a few other people to go on a retreat with her church, and I *really* want to . . . But I probably can't :( and won't. Today was my first day back after a week. It was really good seeing everyone :)
And so the countdown to my 16th birthday begins. I. Am. Stoked. I don't know why, but sixteen seems like the prime age of teenagehood. I may have already posted this, but on my birthday I want to -
A) Give blood.
B) Register to vote.
C) Get my driver's permit. (While *legally* I could have done this in December, I now have official permission from my parents!!!
Recipe for my perfect birthday.
In other news, I'm going scuba-diving for spring break!! Yes! I'm not sure where yet, but I get to choose the location :D I was recently named president of my church's youth choir, and vp of the ushers. Also I'm not el presidente of my class anymore (a bit of a relief.) Last week I picked up an application for my summer job. I am pumped.
Recently I got back in touch with Nala, a.k.a, Kay, who is uncontestedly one of my best friends. I really hope that we hang hang out soon :)
We are now in the countdown for the Great Debate, the annual school-wide debate at my school. I am mortified. It's one of the most challenging, stress-inducing, smile-shriveling events of my year. And it's a day before my birthday. Whoo.
I'm completing this post weeks later, but oh well.
I have so much homework!!!! My class made Valentine's Day Candy Grams on Friday and it was good to hang out with my classmates. Afterward, my friend Stephanie drove with me to my grandmother's house, and we talked a lot so that was great.
Also, I've gotten 5 college scouting letters since Monday. One if from Salisbury :) I'm so excited for college, and I really can't wait.
I love my friends. I really do. I especially love the teens that go to my church. On Friday, we had our first youth night of 2011. We talked, ate loads of pizza, played games, and thought of ways to strengthen our youth ministry. It was a good time to fellowship and hang out :) Afterward, my cousin came over and spent the night, and then we went to choir rehearsal the next day. Oh! Please pray for several people - My friend/sister Imani (she has an audition for a performing arts college in CA. She is easily one of the best singers that I know, and I really want her to do well. She's also auditioning for drama), Kennedy (my lil sis has an audition for several summer dance programs, but I know that she'll do well ;), and Kayla (my best friend has an audition to get into Kennedy's school, BSA, or, Baltimore School for the Arts. She's a singer and an actress.) Please just pray for the calming of their minds, the peace of the Holy Ghost, and confidence, skill, precision in the abilities.
School has been pretty intense, but we didn't have school on Wednesday on account of the snow. That made me very happy :D It's supposed to snow on this Wednesday as well, so perhaps another school closing is in sight? Prayerfully. My school is putting on Romeo & Juliet and I'm very excited to see it. I have very talented friends when it comes to acting. My friend Tia invited me and a few other people to go on a retreat with her church, and I *really* want to . . . But I probably can't :( and won't. Today was my first day back after a week. It was really good seeing everyone :)
And so the countdown to my 16th birthday begins. I. Am. Stoked. I don't know why, but sixteen seems like the prime age of teenagehood. I may have already posted this, but on my birthday I want to -
A) Give blood.
B) Register to vote.
C) Get my driver's permit. (While *legally* I could have done this in December, I now have official permission from my parents!!!
Recipe for my perfect birthday.
In other news, I'm going scuba-diving for spring break!! Yes! I'm not sure where yet, but I get to choose the location :D I was recently named president of my church's youth choir, and vp of the ushers. Also I'm not el presidente of my class anymore (a bit of a relief.) Last week I picked up an application for my summer job. I am pumped.
Recently I got back in touch with Nala, a.k.a, Kay, who is uncontestedly one of my best friends. I really hope that we hang hang out soon :)
We are now in the countdown for the Great Debate, the annual school-wide debate at my school. I am mortified. It's one of the most challenging, stress-inducing, smile-shriveling events of my year. And it's a day before my birthday. Whoo.
I'm completing this post weeks later, but oh well.
I have so much homework!!!! My class made Valentine's Day Candy Grams on Friday and it was good to hang out with my classmates. Afterward, my friend Stephanie drove with me to my grandmother's house, and we talked a lot so that was great.
Also, I've gotten 5 college scouting letters since Monday. One if from Salisbury :) I'm so excited for college, and I really can't wait.
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
She Says
She says that she's fine
But she's going insane
She says she feels good
But she's in tons of pain
She says that it's nothing
But it's really alot
She says she's okay
But really she's not
She says that she's great
But she's throwing a fit
"Life couldn't get better"
But she doesn't mean it
"Everything's perfect"
Can't say it to my eyes
"I wanna be left alone"
Yeah she's telling you lies
But she's going insane
She says she feels good
But she's in tons of pain
She says that it's nothing
But it's really alot
She says she's okay
But really she's not
She says that she's great
But she's throwing a fit
"Life couldn't get better"
But she doesn't mean it
"Everything's perfect"
Can't say it to my eyes
"I wanna be left alone"
Yeah she's telling you lies
The Storm
I brace myself for the storm, because I can feel it rising, and swelling in my head. I am preparing, and praying for this to pass. The last time I let my guard down, I was knocked off of my feet, and taken under. So I'm waiting, and watching, and steeling my nerves, and heart, and mind. I'm taking precautions, and trying to leave my heart open to releasing the sadness, and closed to take no more in. And I know what is to be expected, and I'm getting ready for it. It is both inevitable, looming, and inescapable. So I wait. I wait.
I'm ready.
I'm ready.
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Secret #13
Everything's falling, and I am included in that
Oh, how I try to be just okay
Yeah, but all I ever really wanted
Was a little piece of you
Everybody's talking how I, can't, can't be your love
But I want, want, want to be your love
Want to be your love, for real
Everybody's talking how I, can't, can't be your love
But I want, want, want to be your love
Want to be your love for real
Want to be your everything
Everything...
Oh, how I try to be just okay
Yeah, but all I ever really wanted
Was a little piece of you
Everybody's talking how I, can't, can't be your love
But I want, want, want to be your love
Want to be your love, for real
Everybody's talking how I, can't, can't be your love
But I want, want, want to be your love
Want to be your love for real
Want to be your everything
Everything...
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