Raw

If I ever push you away,
I don't really mean to.
When I tell you "I don't want to talk about it,"
I do, I'm just looking for the right words.
Give me a minute, and if I can tell you; I will.

I try to be a struggling mix of real and perfect at the same time.
At the moment, I'm working on the ratio.

When I get really quiet sometimes,
It's because I have too much to say.
I have thought of too many things to tell you at once,
And I don't know what to say first.

I get immaturely jealous of anyone who gets to see you on a daily basis.
I miss you really easily.

But I also like that we can be

A

P

A

R

T

Space is good too.

I love the way we love some of the same things,
And I love how we love entirely different things.

My head is a complicated pile of thoughts,
And fears,
And cravings,
And dreams,
And this tangled up nostalgia for the past and, somehow, the future.

I am flawed,
And I am human,
And I am broken,
And I am trying,
And I am one person,
And I am two hands,
And I am one heart,
And I love you,
And I am so glad you are here.

Spartan

I'm feeling quite emotionless. Is it possible to be void of feeling? Ice-cold and heartless? I'm not happy. I'm not sad. I'm not angry. I'm just existing. Kind of sad isn't it?

Flickr Update

http://www.flickr.com/photos/jdarkholme/

Just a Flickr update. I really like the pictures I've been taking :)

This is post #50 btw. Celebratory.

Remember Me When You're Out, When You're Out There . . .

ALL I WANT IS YOU! YOU'RE ALL I'VE WANTED FOR THE LONGEST WHILE! DO YOU REALLY NOT SEE IT?

Cosmic Love

A falling star fell from your heart and landed in my eyes
I screamed aloud, as it tore through them, and now it's left me blind

The stars, the moon, they have all been blown out
You left me in the dark
No dawn, no day, I'm always in this twilight
In the shadow of your heart

And in the dark, I can hear your heartbeat
I tried to find the sound
But then, it stopped, and I was in the darkness,
So darkness I became

The stars, the moon, they have all been blown out
You left me in the dark
No dawn, no day, I'm always in this twilight
In the shadow of your heart

I took the stars from my eyes, and then I made a map
And knew that somehow I could find my way back
Then I heard your heart beating, you were in the darkness too
So I stayed in the darkness with you

The stars, the moon, they have all been blown out
You left me in the dark
No dawn, no day, I'm always in this twilight
In the shadow of your heart

The stars, the moon, they have all been blown out
You left me in the dark
No dawn, no day, I'm always in this twilight
In the shadow of your heart

Sigh

Can't everything just go back to normal? We know the drill. We know what's to be expected, yet we run from it. Why? Yes, the glue is gone, but there's still a family waiting for this. Why is everything falling apart? Why are we being broken? If this is a harbinger of the future, then I don't know what I'll do . . .

Goodbye 2010

So this probably won't be my last post for the year, but it's a reflection post of the year 2010.


I've been through hell and back this year. It's been the absolute worst year of my life, but it's also been one of the best. I've celebrated birthdays, anniversaries, engagements, holidays, and weddings. I've strengthened friendships, fought with friends, and loved more intensely and fiercely than i ever had. But I've also mourned. And I still do.


In January my family celebrated my fathers birthday, but we also hit a deer and nearly totaled our car.

In February my grandfather celebrated his 84th birthday. In the same month, two of the most important people in my life died. Within exactly one week from each other. Wednesday to Wednesday.

Less than five days later, on the first of March, I celebrated my 15th birthday. Or rather, I lived to see another birthday. There wasn't much celebration involved.

In April, my parents commemorated 22 years of marriage.

In May, my sister graduated from highschool and both my mother and younger sister lived to see more birthdays. I finished my ninth grade year with a 3.9 GPA.

In June, I began my first summer job as an intern in the bariatrics department of one of the best hospitals in the world.

In July, my older sister sister celebrated her 18th birthday, and I ended my amazing summer internship.

In August, I found the essence of summer. I spent time with family and friends, watched movies, read, traveled, and lost myself in relaxation. My younger sister began her ninth grade year at an exclusive art highschool for dance.

In September, I dropped my sister off at college, and the next day I began my sophomore year of highschool.

In October I took the PSATs and it was the one of the hardest tests in my life.

In November, I had the opportunity to see a naval ship be commissioned, and Thanksgiving was here and gone in a too soon.

And here I stand in December. My class rallied to sell snacks at a production of A Christmas Carol, and we also made about a billion Candy Grams. Yesterday was my school's dance, and I had the chance to become reacquainted with old friends who I haven't seen in nearly 6 1/2 months. Far too long. Yesterday was an amazing night. I had fun, danced like I was dumb-dumb-du-du-du-dumb, and I really enjoyed myself.

The year has gone by in a flash. I remember Christmas last year, and it's amazing how quickly the months have gone by. Nothing has changed, but everything is different. I feel like the world is falling apart, because everything that I'm accustomed to during this Christmas season is changing. Traditions are being broken, and it seems like my world is spinning out of control. I would give anything to have my old life back again. Anything in the world. But that's not possible.

So I'll keep moving so I won't think.

I won't think so I won't feel.

I won't feel so I won't hurt.

And I won't hurt so I won't stop moving.

Hey Moon, Please Forget To Fall Down . . .

Never ignore a person who loves you, cares for you, and misses you. Because one day, you might wake up from your sleep and realize that you lost the moon while counting the stars.

That Girl

She isn't my girlfriend, but I love her hugs, smile, advice, kindness, & the times we laugh together. I just fell in love with our friendship.

Flickr Update

http://www.flickr.com/photos/jdarkholme/



Just as a side note, I love my friends. They're amazing. Truly astounding, and I wouldn't trade any of them for anything in the world. They make me laugh, they make chemistry bearable, they freak out with me, they calm me down, they rock, they give great advice, they defend me, and they support me. I couldn't ask for anything better :)

Change Of Heart

I've come to the realization that yes, I do believe in love. I just don't believe in loving you.

I Don't Think It's Worth The Effort

Today at school someone said something negative about me behind my back. This person has said this before about the same topic, still behind my back. At first I was mad and upset and all of this other stuff, and then I realized: I really don't care. I know things about this person (that won't be repeated on here out of respect for their . . . modesty), that are horrificly disgusting, embarrassing, and amoral. Keeping this in mind, if my opinion of you is so low and miniscule, then why should I care what you say about me? It may sound mean, but it's true. If we already have a troubled history, and you have a track record of saying hateful things about me, then *you* have a problem with *me,* not the other way around. I don't have time for the drama and the hate. I want to reap what I soweth (Galatians 6:7-9): peace and good will. All I can do is live my life in a manner that's pleasing to God, my family, friends, and anyone else whose opinion matters. Not yours.

THIS MEANS WAR!!!!!!

I refuse to engage in a blog war with Naomi Renee, roflmbo. I REFUSE!!!! }:)

You'll Be Here Come Summer

Hi. We haven't met before. I don't know you at all, but I'm very anxious to see you in person :). You're my little cousin, and right now you're only about a month old. In the womb that is. I don't know if you're a boy or a girl, or what color eyes you have, or shade your skin is, or how your hair looks. I've never heard you laugh, or held you, or seen your smile, but I really would like to see you soon. You have a lot of people who have been waiting for you for a while. I'm writing this in the hopes that eventually, you'll see this post. Whether you're 10, or 20, or 40, or 110, is irrelevant. I just think it'd be cool to be able to read something for me that was written while I was in my mama's belly :P.

So, my name is Jesse. I'm named after our grandfather, a.k.a. Granddad, who is a very funny and charming man. He'll definitely make you laugh and he has lots of stories to tell you once you get here. His wife, our grandmother Sandra, is a very witty pistol of a woman and she will have tons of delicious food that will make you eager to go to "Gram's House." Their oldest son, your uncle, my father Corvelli, is hard to describe. He has a somewhat dry sense of humor, but he'll always surprise you (in a good way). His wife, your aunt and my mother, Kim is a very loving lady and she'll be very important to you in your first years of life. Next there's Aunt Jessica, your dad's sister. She's amazing. She's always teaching and always ready to take us on trips, and I know that she's eager to meet you too. Her husband, our Uncle Darryl, is quiet, but when he speaks, it's usually hilarious. About a year and five months before you were born, we had an aunt that passed. She was indescribable. She was beautiful, charming, funny, witty, (very) artistic, clever, gifted, and anything you could ask for in an aunt. She'll never be able to meet you, but if you look at characteristics in our family, the most powerful ones, the most beautiful ones, the most loving ones all point to her. Our aunt had a son, our "big cousin" JeRoi. He'll be old enough to be your dad(!!!) by the time you're born, but he's pretty awesome, I'm not gonna lie. He's always fun to drive with, and he really will take you anywhere. Hahaha, and he's very competitive (like all of our family) but especially with videogames. I have two sisters, your cousins Victoria and Kennedy, who I know are awaiting your arrival as well. Victoria is a photographer and she'll be in college when you get here, and Kennedy's a dancer who's at the Baltimore School for the Arts (not an easy school to get into.) After that, there are your big sisters Kayla and Madison! Kayla will be 14 when you're born, and she's very special. Kayla's a gifted singer who is very passionate about art, music, and she's like another sister to me. Then there's Madison :D. I love Madison soooo much. She'll still be a kid when you get here, but I think you two will get along just fine.

Your father Demitri, my uncle, and I have a very fun relationship. We like to joke with each other and play pranks, and he's pretty much the greatest uncle ever. I've only known your mom for 3 years or so, but I love her. Your mom, my aunt, Deidre is very kind and funny, and you have two fantastic parents awaiting your arrival.

And then there's me. To sum it up, I'm in love with the piano and guitar, I love reading books (I'll teach you the ways of Harry Potter), music, and our family. Out of every family in the world that you could've gotten, you were pretty dang lucky to be born into this one. I'm hoping that your a boy (just to even out the male to female grandchild ratio), but as long as you have 10 fingers, and 10 toes, I'll be happy. I'm so excited to meet you. Hurry up ok?


All My Love,
JWM IV

I'm Sorry That There's Not Much I Can Do

I wish I could be the Pepto-Bismol that you need right now.

Am I A Bad Boy! No. I'm Too School For Cool

I'm not quite the boy your mother warned you about. Her imagination was never this vivid.